******I open the door to see the news still on and Bill was sleeping. I’m soaking wet from the rain and my makeup was running down my face. I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. I’ve never looked more beautiful than this moment. Cold pale skin, wet hair, green crying eyes, smeared lipstick. The shower water burns my skin as I sit down in the middle of the tub. Water washing the makeup off my face. I think I cry to much, but thinking that made me cry more. Small whimpers and sniffles fall out of me as I pour strawberry shampoo onto my hand. Running it through my hair as I think about the conversation I had with Bill this morning. I finish up my shower and dry off. Crawling onto the bed, pulling blue sheets over me. I take a deep breath in while the question from last Monday plays in my head. Why can’t I make one rational decision?
******I sat there crying in a parking lot at midnight. I’m alone and tired. I got a call from him. My heart dropped as I heard his voice through the phone. My hands were shaking and my knees went weak. He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. I begged for him not to hang up, but he did. Why am I always 2nd place? Why am I always the other woman? I thought leaving would change things up a bit, but I still cry myself to sleep every night, and I’m still 2nd place to every man.
******I was painting my nails red while we watched the news. Cherry coke cans and squished cigarettes were all over the coffee table. Bill was going off about how fucked our government is. "Goddammit! Bring me one of them beers."
******I miss you marie
******You guys every just think about ditching everything? Just deleting every social media acc, blocking everyone you know, and just starting new. 2021 has been probably the worst year of my life (debatable). I feel like i’d regret dipping from socials in the future. This is just something that’s been playing on my mind.
******You know, life doesn’t seem that shit when you’re standing in your kitchen while eating strawberries and listening to White Strips
******Nothing feels real anymore. Hit me, just like he did. I wanna feel it again.
******My nails were scratching the desk while I was screaming.
******I still see you on blank computer screens.
******Be my once in a life time.
******Melody is gone and dead, And I think I have killed her.
******The voice of Nirvana says "Come as you are" and I will.
******I miss living in my trailer house.
******Living off old money, smiling for miles in pink dresses and high heels on white yachts.
******Tearing up town in my fucking white gown.
******My mind is like a diamond.
******I put the radio on, hold you tight in my mind.
******Take me back to Florida.
******I miss cj
******We should go back to Arkansas.